| I'm writing this entry from inside the river tunnel by the campfire's dim light.
The tide was too low for us to go to Smuggler's Rest, so Te'rin and I ended up at this campfire. He says he admires me.. I'm so scared. What if he breaks my heart? What if I am left behind again? What if he stays long enough for the kids to grow attached?
Goddess, where is Hex when I need him?
The children are crawling now. Kyrse'kah has started making noises that almost sound intelligable. Am I ready for talkers? Sylvans grow up so fast and live so long. You'd think we'd have a longer childhood. But do I really want to keep carrying them around with me everywhere? I mean, my shoulders are getting quite the workout.. But still!
Ayella hopefully comes home soon. Dear Goddess how she is going to paint the walls with my blood when she sees the children. Unless maybe I can explain... | comments: Leave a comment   |
| It's been far too long since I've written..
Almost a year!
Santino returned.. And left again.
I have given birth to two beautiful babies - Solange Syrelle Sha'lun and Kyrse'kah Aiden Sha'lun. Their names have a lot of meaning to me. Solange Syrelle refers to Earth (Solange) and Waterfall (Syrelle). Kyrse'kah Aiden refers to Air Bane (Kyrse'kah) and Fiery One (Aiden). Incorporating all five elements into my children. My life seems to be surrounded by my children now. I seem to have little time for anything else. They are quite the handful, also. Solange makes lots of noise, I believe she will be the first of the twins to speak. Kyrse'kah seems most interested in the world around him. As if everything in the world were to be examined. They are both so precious to me, and at the same time... I have no time to myself anymore. I suppose I knew it was coming. When I decided to keep them instead of 'getting rid of them', as a few suggested I do. I'm not sorry I kept them.
I miss Ayella. I have not heard from her in awhile. I wonder if she will return before the treehouses are built. And if she doesn't.. Should I move into a treehouse? ... If the treehouses are even apartments. I finally get everything squared away for the Hollows.. Now Treehouses appear. It just doesn't seem fair to me. I needed a place to stay for the children.. And in case Ayella came back.. But I'd prefer a treehouse over a place underground. This is all speculation, though. It may turn out that the treehouses are indeed not for us to use. Would prove ironic. They seem to be causing a lot of conversation.
Solange cries for me.. So I wrap this up with a simple.. Goddess.. I need help. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| My feelings for Inebrion will not waver.. He has gone into hiding, though. I fear that might be my fault. Damn me for loving more than one man.. But I will show Inebrion enough tenderness as I can without betraying Santino.
Dark thoughts creep into my mind about Don... He has also gone into hiding, but Ayella said he was talking crazily before he disappeared. I feel myself missing him... But who was it I spoke to? A demon? Or Don? Goddess it is so confusing...
I miss Ayella. It has been months...
Santino.. I chose Santino. Santino is there.. Whenever I need him. He left.. But he has returned. And he has returned with amazing vigilance.
I asked him to take me back. I asked him to marry me. We went to see Duo right away. There has been no ceremony, I feel we don't need one. We've already been married once.
I am pregnant. Pregnant with twins. Santino is amusingly giddy and goofy about it. He will be a good Father to them, I know it.
I have been speaking with Moria about the 'art of making love'. I believe she is far too uptight about physical contact. On the other hand, I thrive on it.
I do adore Moria, she is like my eldest daughter. At times, I wonder what would be if Anfyr hadn't taken Allanna and Moria on that trip. Would they both be here? Calling me a Mother? I miss Allanna. I'm sure Moria does, also, but she would probably not admit to it.
Goddess Bless Allanna's spirit. May it guide her to gentle times.
Moria has just fallen asleep on my lap.... It's moments like this that I wish she truly were my flesh and blood. She feels like she is. She acts like she is. And then I notice the similarities between her and Kallé. It aches at my heart. Kallé was as good a Mother as she could be. I wish I could've raised all three of them - Moria, Hopebringer, and Koreila.
For now.. I hold her close to my heart as if she were my own.
'My cup overfloweth' | | comments: Leave a comment |
| This is what I get for loving two men...
Santino appeared while Inebrion, Jenny, Kityana and I had all gone to play freeze tag.
During the game (after Jenny and Kityana had left..), Inebrion slipped in a sunstone to me.
He told the entire populace that he loved me more than anything.
Santino reacted harshly.. People laughed.. Andarius defended Inebrion, telling Santino he left me like a widow...
After calming Santino down...
I wonder what will happen now. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Inebrion seems to have answered my pleas for help.
He is solely on my side.. And he is around when I need it.
He has told me he loves me... It felt good. It felt.. Amazing. Yet.. I'm afraid to tell him I love him.
I need time. Time to know if I truly want to be with him forever. Time to know if I want to give it all for a Brion brother. He could mean trouble for me and my family.
.. Yet, being around him.. I feel safe. It's as if any obstacle I could take on with him.
Is this the pangs of loneliness getting to me?
I know I still love Santino, but I also know it is possible to love more than one.
I think I'll ask Elena what she thinks.... If she'll listen. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I look at all the pieces of parchment I could've added here, and all of them have thoughts... Yet... Not a single one conveys what I fear the most.
I should go back..
Back far.
Don has kidnapped me, several times. The final time happened a zodiac ago, he dragged me to the astral plane. He took a piece of himself inside of my mind.. I was lost. I couldn't control anything. I desperately tried to detach my spirit, but he was bound around me.
ELF got mixed up in that whole thing. I feel badly for their involvement. Though.. at the same instant... I was overjoyed to see Sasha raise my body. My heart sank once again as my body screamed at Shalyn and dashed toward the abyss. I felt the creature's fear and couldn't help but feel it myslf. Goddess I wish I could've called out to them.
Then there is Elena.
I love Elena as a sister. She and I grew very close very quickly. She came to me in confidence.. Asked my advice.. I was horrified by what she said. I tried very hard to steer her away from the path which both my sisters took. I feel horrid for doing so now, because I fear all my efforts only led her to steer away from myself. Now I fear she will never forgive me. It tears at my heart every moment I think of her.. See her.. Goddess I love her... All I want is her happiness. If it makes her happy... Why can't I be happy for her? Is it because of a selfishness? Probably. I'm amazed ELF didn't give me the boot for what I've done to her as seen in the ELF Blog. Though I believe differently than she does about Daimoth.. I wish I had been more supportive.. And less suspicious. I would understand if she never forgave me and turned me away cruelly for the rest of our lives. I just hope that in the end... She is happy. No matter how I act to her face, all I truly want... Is her to smile as she falls asleep at night. She deserves as much, after all the pain this has caused her.
Shalyn..
Goddess, I wish Shalyn hadn't done what she had done. But now.. What can I do? She has a power of Leviathan on her side. I've tried to alert Nox Sorora, without touching the followers of Naamah. It is bad enough that Naamah knows. Although.. I wonder if Naamah knew to begin with. Naamah and Shalyn met in the chapterhouse in theives'.. I was ordered to leave.. And the next time I saw Shalyn she seemed unchanged. Well, if anything.. More powerful. Every moment I see her I am torn. Torn between my love for her.. My trust for her... And my fear of the power she wields.
Santino..
He comes out every so often.. He tells me he loves me.. Then he disappears again. I know he does not mean to.. I do love him, but when he is not around.. What can I do?
Calintz ..
Even with Santino's absense, Calintz is rarely around. Makes me wonder if they are all right.
Te'rin..
He gave me a bracelet as is Sylvan custom.. And then yelled at me for Lundar's ELF blog entry. I don't think I've ever felt so betrayed. He told me he understood my side of things.. And then he told me I needed to take it off IF Elena was my friend. Does he understand I cannot? Does it matter? He treated me so... Distantly and coldly... I haven't wanted to speak with him since. I still don't.
Phery'nn, Hopebringer, Daimoth, and the llehn..
I showed Hopebringer the letter... That stated what Ayelwen had told D'rrnh about how Daimoth used 'Dai'rru' powers to make her come out of hiding. The next time I heard from Hope is that he had left Llehn and they had killed the woman he loved. I speak to him and I find out that Daimoth told Hope he could not just leave the llehn. Daimoth told Hope to beware his life. Well, according to Hope, he and Phery'nn - the girl he wanted to marry -, were sitting in Gaia's Garden (the park in east town) and Llym'shan entered. Llym then took Phery'nn's life. Telling Hope that death was too good for him. Baltok asked Daimoth about it, according to Baltok.. Daimoth danced around the issue claiming it was for righteous reasons. It was cold blood. Phery'nn was an innocent.
Because of this act.. Daimoth loses more allies than he gains. I wonder if he has realized it yet.. or perhaps there is treachery in the making. We shall have to see.
And now.. For the most recent and obvious event... Inebrion.
He's sitting next to me now, though I don't think he realizes I'm writing. He seems lost in other things. Mostly how I look.
This bothers me and flatters me all at the same time. If I want someone to love m I want them to love me because I am unique. Because I am who I am. Not becase of how I look, even though I know I am not as beautiful as Inebrion seems to believe I am.
He has a kind heart... It has reached out to me... I feel his loss. I feel his pain at times. His family cast him out for the way he looked at life.. I wish I could convince his family how good and noble he is. How they could benefit from having him around, but I can't. The other Brions have gone into hiding.
I find comfort in his company. It has given me the energy to write this out. To write out my feelings. To convey my thoughts. I owe him at least a little bit.
His smile is haunting somewhat. I'm not sure what to do other than look at his eyes when he does it.. I try not to stare. I try to keep my eyes from straying all over the features of his face. I don't want to seem.. Rude. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| How do I begin?
.. Soft, gentle, beautiful eyes lie. Everyone lies. Do I trust anyone anymore?
I want to go back. I want to be Anfyr again.
... I can't ever be Anfyr again.
Someone help me. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I found this sitting in the library. It was hidden away. Almost like it didn't belong there.
I decided to write it in my journal because it speaks to me.. I don't know why.
(OOC: Cheesy, yes, but bare with me, it really is about Ezail! :) )
Easier to Run
It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something good
It's so much easier to go than face all this pain here all alone
Something has been taken from deep inside of me
A secret I've got locked away, no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show, they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head, for years and years they've played...
If I could change, I would, Take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave, I would
If I could change, I would, Take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave...
It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something good
It's so much easier to go than face all this pain here all alone
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past...
If I could change, I would, Take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave, I would
If I could change, I would, Take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave...
Just washing it aside, all of our nervousness inside
Pretending I don't feel this place is so much simpler than change...
It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something good
It's so much easier to go than face all this pain here all alone
It's easier to run...
If I could change, I would
Take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made...
It's easier to go...
If I could change, I would
Take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave...
In other news.. It seems Ayelwen and Derna have gone to see Uncle DarqMax. This may be Derna's way of handling Daimoth and Ayelwen. It's almost hurtful the way Ayelwen doesn't listen to us. The entire family finds problems in Daimoth.. Yet she still believes he may change. Her entire family.
Shalyn sees him as a poor fighter. Very stuck up, snobby.
Dar'floh is angry because of his arrogance and how hurtful he has been to the family...
I dislike him for... Obvious reasons.
Derna dislikes him for... Again, obvious reasons.
I invited Don to the ELF meeting this moon, when he curtly said no and hid away... My heart sank ever so slightly.. But what else could I expect? Maybe I'm wrong in how I feel about him.. I haven't seen him since, either. Maybe he's lying to me. Maybe he's lying to himself. Maybe I'm doing the same.
I don't miss him when he's not around. Maybe I jumped the gun too soon. Blech. Ah well.
Ayella has barely been seen since the incident.
Naamah has spoken to me once, I have a visionstone of the conversation. She makes an interesting point, but I've known Ayella for so long and she has shown no signs of what Naamah is accusing. I stand by Ayella until there is solid... 100%.. No doubt.. Proof she can show me.
Perhaps Naamah wanted the Dar'shak to summon Lacrima. That's what Naamah was worried Ayella might do with the Dark Grimoire.
Perhaps she is projecting what she wanted to do onto Ayella so I wouldn't suspect her.
Goddess these are troubled times, times when sides must be chosen. I have chosen mine, but mine is not necessarily against Naamah. Mine is for Ayella. I worry about what Naamah says because Ayella has more proof against Naamah than Naamah has proof against Ayella. I see the proof.
I have no real problem with the Matre. Except for the lying. The Matre has otherwise proven to be a good and trustworthy soul.
But I still stand by my Priestess. My best friend. My Ayella. Why should my loyalties change so suddenly? Ayella Sh'iale needs support now more than ever. Why would I desert her?
I won't.
Goddess help this rift to close. Choosing sides is not what help to solve whatever is behind these evil deeds.
Unfortunately, I have to choose sides. I choose Ayella's.
Matre forgive me. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Naamah lied.
She lied to them all.
The Dar'shak had the Dark Grimoire. Naamah was supposed to have it.
... Ayella found it.
She lied.
She lied. She lied. ... How could she?
Now she tells me that Ayella is posessed!? How *DARE* she!? She expects me to believe her when she cannot give a solid and good reason for lying to everyone about a very important doctrine of Nox Sorora except for 'Do not question me."!?
I stand by Ayella.
From now until the end.
Ayella is my Priestess.
Ayella is my best friend.
Ayella is the one I trust. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I came out of the library earlier... A Lo and behold.. a Dar'shak Spy.
Though, I fear these "spies" weren't really spies at all. They were far too trained in combat. If they were true spies, they probably wouldn't have been so strong. I believe, like myself, they are trained mercenaries. Luckily, I believe the people of Puddleby overcame them.
We headed to the Horde, much to my dismay, but found nothing.
Everytime I go to the Horde.. I see images.. Of her. Allanna. It hurts me so, but I go for my loyalty to Ayella and a sense that Allanna is all right, wherever she is. I wonder, sometimes, if it would have been better to have died there after seeing them kill her. I toy with the idea that perhaps none of this pain and anguish would exist if all of Anfyr had died that night.
Forgive me for those thoughts. I am not suicidal, but I do toy with the idea of not existing at all.
I saw Indigo. Beloved Indigo. She has been wary of me since she discovered my origin. She was going to go check the Horde again. I decided to follow and confront her. In my foolishness, I didn't sunstone her and ended up being chased into the Horde by four of the Marines. Turns out Indigo hadn't had enough for boatfare and was gathering coins. There are moments when I feel truly stupid. That was one of them. I must wonder why I was going to approach her as I was planning. Well, I learned my lesson.
Regardless, she brought me home again. We talked a bit. The great feeling of pain I had when I had to look at her and tell her that Anfyr looked at her as a Mother. I wanted to lean over and hug her, cry for the loss. I am not Anfyr. I am like an offspring of her. Or a sister. I can't decide which. All I have of Anfyr are her memories. And I also must deal with some of the things she left behind. Don being one of them. Although, hopefully that's over and done with. Anyway, I feel the ache in my heart when I speak to Indigo. Moreso than with others. Anfyr truly loved Indigo. It was never her intent to hurt Indigo. Anfyr did, I believe, what she felt was right. Her main hesitation was Indigo.
Honored Sister Indigo.. Please forgive Anfyr for what she has done. She died giving birth (albeit unconventional) to two lives. She died possibly needlessly. We shall never know. Just know that she loved you with all her soul. ... Should I say soul? I don't know what the correct terms are anymore. All of this has made me question what we say.
Now Don. Why do I bother with him? Why do I worry about him? He's scum. The worst kind. What should I care if Elindir and his new partner kill him?
Don and I ended sourly last time I saw him. He asked me why I speak with him, I told if he would rather I didn't, I wouldn't. And I left. I left because I was afraid of what he might say after. Afraid that there could be a tender bone in the man's body. He does not try to understand me. I hate and adore the man all at the same time. Hopefully, he won't speak to me again and I won't have to worry about him anymore.
And now for the man that I truly love to hate.
Daimoth.
Bvrrun.
Apparently, at some point, I spoke with Ayelwen. So it says in her journal. Yet, I have no recollection of this. I do not toss it from the realm of possibility, my mind has been in very deep thought lately.
Anyway, Daimoth sent his latest slut, Kinnikinnick to talk to me about it. The coward wouldn't speak to me until I rubbed it in that what he was doing was cowardice. His actions speak far louder than his words.
We argued. I was able to stand up to him. Perhaps those feelings of kindness towards him were just leftover from Anfyr.
He told me I destroyed my sister. And once I caught on to what they were referring to...
I told him *exactly* what I think of him. I told him, basically, that he is selfish. Doesn't see women as people, only as objects for his lust. He makes good on this by giving them titles of respect that make it seem like he holds them in high regard. He refuses to adapt to make his world an easier place.
Do I want him to conform to my way of life? No, not at all. That would be entirely too creepy. But to adapt to a way that makes his life easier. Trying.. Loving someone. For real. This bouncing around. Loving one person, falling "out" of love, then loving someone else.
Anyway, I have no respect for that loathesome creature. Until he proves that he can do more than go in circles with emotions, I refuse to acknowledge his existence.
Everything is finally coming to a head. It is soon. I feel Ayella's tension rising. Very quickly. Something is going to happen.
Being an empath makes some things easier. Some things harder. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Goddess be..
Ayella tried to starve me to death by neglecting to tell me that I was to only fast from Midnight to Noon.
Jenny, poor poor Jenny, was told the right amount of hours, but had to do it twice because Ayella couldn't find time in the time after Jenny had done it.
Now Calintz! Calintz was trying to starve himself. Hopefully, he listened to me and will only fast from midnight to noon.
I'm almost prepared to have Ayella write herself a checklist for each Vesper! I don't believe the Goddess wants us all to drop off like flies before being able to assist Her!
On another note, I feel like the tension is coming to a climax. I haven't felt well as of late.. I pray that everything ends soon. My poor body and soul can't take much more. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Santino has returned. I don't know what this means for us, but it is so nice to see him again.
Santino's counter-part, whose name I won't mention, is also around. He doesn't seem to remember me, but I remember him all too well. He looks and sounds like Santino. A piece of me wishes I would tell him, but is it wise to tell the counter-part that he is of two seperate minds? One of them being an extreme goofball... The other a quiet.. Private type?
Jenny and Ayella are becoming my closest friends. I worry for Ayella, though.
She seems troubled almost all of the time. I attempt to ease her pain by making jokes at my own expense... But we had an argument and I was very direct with her. I hope she takes me up on my offer to give her advice and comfort... And even a listening ear if she ever needs it.
Don has appeared more often than not. Whenever he is around, I seem to get angry and at the same time.. There is relief in seeing him. The man angers me more than I will probably ever tell him. I have spent hours in meditation trying to discover why I react to him the way I do. I want to reach out, but I want to break his nose.
Hex is ill. I worry for him more with each passing day. I don't know what I can do, but I have guided him to Topaz. Perhaps she can help.
My studies are tedious at times, but I have finally devised a reasoning behind the pursuit of balance.
In life there are two main forces - Good and Evil. Without Evil, there cannot be Good, without Good, there cannot be Evil.
For example - If the world were purged of all Evil, then the Good people would have absolutely nothing to strive for and become lazy and eventually selfish. This would lead the world into eventual corruption. When the world is corrupted, eventually someone will rise up against the Evil, therefore causing a Good countering.
If there is no balance, this cycle of Good dominance, Evil dominance will forever go on.
My role in this balance is to strive for balance within myself. Realize that I have my selflessness moments.. And my selfish moments. Then, as my balance is set up.. I can help others to seek balance and fight those who wish to destroy the balance.
It is not just my role, though. It is everyone's. Whether they know it or not, they all help to maintain balance. Whether it be Hopebringer who strives for complete good in his life or Daimoth who strives to cause mayhem and disorder. The two eventually cancel each other out, causing the balance I speak of.
If people should read this, my only hope is that my thoughts and ranting helps them (you) to see how their (your) actions affect the entire world.
Everything is connected on this balance we have found ourselves upon. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| After a bath to clean myself, I went for a walk, trying to think everything through.
Don approached me.
He knows I was Anfyr.
He doesn't know the whole story, thank the Goddess.
The conversation started off with my cool being kept. I was kryptic. As cryptic as I could be. He thought it was cosmetics that kept my Fen side down.
I took him to the bath house in hopes to make him believe I'd just gotten rid of everything.
Then he started to tell me about myself, so I changed the subject as quickly as I could manage... I got him to take his cloak off. His skin is pasty.. White.. Dry.
He asked me about the blood on my hands... When he asked, I began to lose my cool. I started saying things I probably shouldn't have. He finally asked what had happened to me.
It only took me a split second to decide what to do.
I completely exposed myself - to embarrassment and chills - to this man. Put on some charm, which I knew would repel him, and asked him what happened to him.
My plan worked, he gave me alcohol - which luckily I didn't have to drink - and left.
The man scares me. He backs me into corners I didn't know existed. I wonder if I hold up better against him than D'rrnh would. Is D'rrnh really prepared to handle him? There is something happening to him that I can't name. Will it cause him to lash out?
Will these close encounters keep happening?
Will he fall for my ploy next time?
Am I the killer? Or is D'rrnh?
Did I kill those people? Did she? Did we?
Who knows Don best? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Golden Fen Prayer - Xepel | | Time: | 12:37 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/sad.gif) lonely |
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| Been looking through old meeting minutes...
This made me smile and think of very old days.
Anfyr, a sylvan I knew,
Had a big family, oh yes, quite a few!
With a cousin or four,
And an aunt, maybe more,
It's a wonder she knew who was who!
-Lundar
And this one got my thinking...
It is with saddness I set down this rune,
For a good clanmate has left us this moon.
Our symbol she cast,
To seek out her past.
I hope she'll return to us soon.
-Lundar
Did D'rrnh and I seek out our past? Or did we run from it? Will it come to us someday?
It has already begun. Don is around. Elindir' seems to be ignoring me completely. I suppose this isn't a completely horrible thing to have happen. Elindir' wanted ... Us.. To return to the mainland and finish the 13-year-old job.
I've heard that D'rrnh's arm is paralyzed. When I confronted her, she was hesitant to tell me that D'Nark had done it to her. D'rrnh said D'Nark told her to not come back. The witch hates us, she has our Father in her grasp without any hope of escape.. Barring her death.
Am I going to cause problems for the Sisters? Being Ayella's Vesper Via is an honor beyond all belief.. But am I endangering them by being involved? Will I only end up hurting them?
Do I deserve to have to deal with all of this? D'rrnh and I are seperate people now. D'rrnh has the attitude. Why should I pick up the pieces?
.. Because D'rrnh is scared. Am I scared? I think so. I think with the Sisters my confidence has built some, but I am still scared. D'rrnh doesn't have something like the Sisterhood to comfort her. Nothing that makes her feel the same safety. Is this why she comes to me? Looking to me like an older sister? Wouldn't Shalyn be a better option to cling to for protection?
Does D'rrnh come to me because of our shared pains?
Allanna, Firebird, Baltok, rejection and rape by our Father, disownment from our Mother..
Shalyn doesn't have all of these pains.
.. Goddess I envy her.
I'll keep D'rrnh by my side if I need to. Perhaps together we could muster some of the same energy we had when we were together.
That is something I miss... Together we had the confidence to take on whole armies. .. And we did. Something I have been fighting with is whether being together and fighting.. Was worth it. Is this better? Being weaker and seperate?
I'm sure D'rrnh feels it was worth it. She has her Bvrrun, who I am willing to bet doesn't ... It's not my place to say. She has her Pride. .. Is her Pride falling apart?
Maybe D'rrnh doesn't know if it was worth it either. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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